so like work is kinda stressful rn. theres one entire department that has really used me as a dumping ground for shit they don't wanna do, and when i make reasonable requests for support, they refuse to help me. my manager and HR did work together to get an email sent with the CEO CC'd saying enough is enough and there are things that will be returned to them.



i'm stressed about what kind of tension it'll bring, but it is also necessary. this role got so out of hand, and "well that's the way it's always been" is not an excuse.



it feels scary to challenge people who hold director positions, but we also have sound arguments.



im glad i have my manager and HR in my ring.



it does hurt a bit when you couldn't find your wallet, so i had to pay for my birthday dinner. you offered to e-transfer, but it still hurt a bit.



you ran into safeway to buy me flowers while i was there after dinner.



the day prior you gave me a pokemon card. im grateful, it's gorgeous...but when you start off with "i got you a present that's more for me than you"....you know the answer.



i didn't have a cake this year.



i hate my birthday because i feel so mediocre. forgotten. unworthy.





dreams are weird





i think i say this every year, but i don't really like my birthday. maybe i have too many memories of people forgetting my birthday, yet remembering everyone around me. memories of wanting to do something, only to find no one.



i don't really like getting older either. i'm close to 30, yet i feel more like a child than ever. i don't want to grow up. i always dreamt of flying off to neverland with peter pan.



the past year has been a lot of rotting. i started working for tc, and managed to stay on. but work feels suffocating. i didn't do any travel. we moved. my plant collection grew. my coke zero addiction increased. my nicotine addiction increased. i learned to crossstitch and started creating patterns. i played a lot of infinity nikki and love and deepspace.



life is what you make it i guess, clawing yourself out of a depressive rut is hard.



i want to travel next year. to be in a better place financially. to actually be profiting off my crossstitch patterns. to be less addicted to nicotine. be back on my hydration game.



but every year, i think, will i ever not feel this way next year? i'm numb off meds right now, and i choose it over being actively suicidal. but there's been so few times i feel like i've truly felt happy.



i keep having the same dreams. on a plane. it needs to land or takeoff, and its driving on the highway with cars. last night the plane got hit by a lightning storm and had to land and drive on the freeway. i always see these streets in some odd city. last night they were dingy, dirty. full of people smoking cigarettes, neon signs. the kind of space you don't want to be in. before they've been full of little boutique shops and stalls. there's an industrial area where planes are worked on or set to depart.







me irl





hot toddies really are the way to beat sickness. just be drunk the whole time it's gr8.



i used to push through illness as a child, maybe it was ingrained by my parents. buck up and survive it. you can take medicine, but not too much. go about your day.



i've learned taking the time off work, truly resting and sleeping, helps me a lot more. i'm not sick for as long when i just take the time to pause.



and one of the most important lessons i've learned, take the damn medication. there is no glory in suffering.